“You’re my brother, you know that right,” I said calmly as I stared up at the thin cracks in the paint on the ceiling. “Yeah bro, I know,” came the tranquil response, I could hear the smile in his voice. He reached out and we grasped hands for a brief moment before returning to our original positions. We had been lying on his perpetually unmade double bed for two hours, trading stories and advice like sweets, savouring each bite before we gave our verdict. Never once did we stray from the truth or hold back a harsh remark. Each new conversation was met with renewed interest, care and a keen awareness of each other’s past.

​

“I really think your heart is going to need to go through the things hey,” he said, a well-thought out response considering our conversation. “You need to break down the stone that you have let cover your heart and let the soft mushy parts out into the sun. Otherwise you will never be able to truly care about anything.” I let out a long knowing sigh. He was right. The dark voice in my head scrambled to find a response that could hold up, but could not compete with the resounding clarion of wisdom I had just received. After all, this guy had known me for most of my life, I could not hide from him nor him from me.

​

My mind drifted slightly as I thought back to when we had first met. Two little pre-primary school boys huddled together in a giant upright tractor tyre in the middle of the playground. We were sitting and discussing, in hushed whispers, who we liked and conceiving our plans of action (none that ever came into fruition mind you). Who knew that that a Malawian immigrant and an English-Afrikaans Joburg boy would grow up to be closer than brothers.

​

My mind jumped forward ten years as I remembered the first time our friendship had put us at odds with the world around us. “You two need to dial it back,” someone would say, “people are going to think you are gay.” I smiled, that wasn’t the last time we would be called homosexual, either in jest or as a serious question, but we learnt to not let it bother us. We liked being different, to us it was interesting.

​

“I am hungry, how about you? I think I am feeling pizza!” His voice came bursting through my thoughts. Hunger swiftly pushed the memories from my mind as I nodded in agreement. We both sprung off the bed and as we began to lace up our shoes a thought occurred to me. Where would I be without this guy? Someone I could truly rely on, who I could bare my soul to and not fear judgement. A fuzzy, lonely version of myself appeared in my mind, isolated, angry and violent, struggling with the mere concept of caring and unable to trust anyone. I smiled tying the last loop and fell in behind him as we set off towards the pizza place. I guess this is what you call a life changing friendship, I thought to myself.